Literary Thought of The Week (Part 2)

Last weeks “Literary Thought of the Week” is a little late.

The section of literature is from Henry David Thoreau’s “Walden”. The book is an account of Thoreau’s experience living for 2 years in a cabin he built himself on Walden Pond in 1845. His main objectives for his stay were a life of simplicity and self reliance. By taking himself out of society he was able to look at life from a more objective prospective. The idea of living in nature is one of the concepts I am most retardedly passionate about. There seems to be something true and transcendent about experiencing the world free of all the retardation of society (more on that in a subsequently titled post, “why I am going to die alone in Alaska”)

I started reading this book a little after Christmas this year. There is no book I have ever been more excited about after the first chapter. Yet, after the first chapter I don’t think I have ever had a book that I had more trouble getting through. The first and last chapters were some of the most influential and relevant philosophy I have ever read. The 200 pages in-between those chapters are filled with very long winded descriptions of the simple and arguably boring life he led. The book is fairly arduous, but it wasn’t the difficulty that made it hard. What made it hard seemed to be the fact I could not read more than 2 pages without immediately falling asleep. I still feel like I got a lot out of the book even though it took forever to read (over 2 months for 250 pages). Enough about the fascinating tale of me reading a book.

Here is a paragraph from Walden that I thought was pretty sweet:

“When we consider what, to use the words of the catechism, is the chief end of man, and what are the true necessaries and means of life, it appears as if men had deliberately chosen the common mode of living because they preferred it to any other. Yet they honestly think there is no choice left. But alert and healthy natures remember that the sun rose clear. It is never too late to give up our prejudices. No way of thinking or doing, however ancient, can be trusted without proof. What every body echoes or is silence passes by as true to-day may turn out to be false-hood to-morrow, mere smoke of opinion, which some had trusted for a cloud that would sprinkle fertilizing rain on their fields. What old people say you cannot do you try and find that you can. Old deeds for old people, and new deeds for new. Old people did not know enough once, perchance, to fetch fresh fuel to keep the fire a-going; new people put a little dry wood under a pot, and are whirled round the globe with the speed of birds, in a way to kill old people , as the phrase is. Age is no better, hardly so well, qualified for an instructor as youth, for it has not profited so much as it has lost. One may almost doubt if the wisest man has learned any thing of absolute value in living. Practically, the old have no very important advice to give the young, their own experiences has been so partial, and their lives have been such miserable failures, for private reasons, as they must believe; and it may be that they have some faith left which belies that experience; and they are only less young than they were. I have lived some thirty years on this planet, and I have yet to hear the first syllable of valuable or even earnest advice from my seniors. They have told me nothing, and probably cannot tell me any thing, to the purpose. Here is life, an experiment to a great extent untried by me; bit does not avail me that they have tried it. If I have any experience which I think valuable, I am sure to reflect that this my Mentor said nothing about.”

Well I think Thoreau did a wonderful job explaining some of the strange idiosyncrasies of life in old timey vernacular. I will just throw in a few thoughts I had while rereading it just for good measure.

The beginning hits a pretty interesting idea of how people follow the social norms. A lot of his book is about doing something different with life and experiencing something outside the standard way of life. He makes a really good point that people do choose a common mode of living because they prefer it to any other. The problem though is that people completely discount the fact that there are other options out there. The standard 9 to 5, wife and 2 kids may be a good options for a lot of people, but it is not the only option available. When I think about life I often feel compelled to do something different with my life just for the pure science of it, just to see how it works out. I don’t know a single person on this planet who has not followed the standard life path. I absolutely love the line “Here is life, an experiment to a great extent untried by me”

My second thought is just about the latter part of the paragraph were he goes into how he has not learned anything from his seniors. I really tend to agree with him on this matter. I don’t mean that in the sense of old people are completely retarded (which is certainly a reasonable idea to vigorously support), but in the fact that life is not something to be learned from anyone, it is something to be experienced. Everything I feel actual conviction about in my life is something that I have in someway personally experienced.

Overall Thoreau has some pretty cool ideas and was way ahead of his time as a thinker. To be honest though I cannot in good conscious give my seal of recommendation to the book “Walden” as a whole, or now that I think about it to this post for that matter.

Bonus quote: (this is my favorite quote in the world and my informal life motto, also from Henry David Thoreau’s “Walden”)

“I learned at least this by my experiments. That if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

Well I hope my two Indian fans enjoyed my second attempt to show how fucking awesome it is to read books. I promise it is back to embelished drug stories for my next post.

The jewel of the South: Florida

I like to keep up to date on my favorite state of the union, Florida, and I thought I would pass some news. Plus I was just talking about Carl Hiaasen on Corey’s recent post, but here is an article he wrote for the Miami Herald about his home state. More specifically it is about how the state might be making the wrong move by adding evolution to their public school’s science curriculum.

In a move that could endanger Florida’s flaky backwater reputation, the state Board of Education is poised to endorse the teaching of evolution as a science. By accepting evolution as a proven science, our top educators would be sending a loud message to the rest of the nation: Stop making fun of us.

He goes on to say…

Nice try, pinheads, but there’s no sin in being a slightly backward state with extremely modest expectations for its young people. That’s been the guiding philosophy of our tightwad lawmakers for years… If snubbing is to be done, Florida should be the snubber, not the snubee. Keep your elite biotech payrolls up North and out West — we’ve got hundreds of thousands of low-paying, go-nowhere jobs that require little training and minimal education.

Low and behold, this Tuesday, Florida’s State Board of Education finally added the term “evolution” to their science curriculum, but not without requiring the term “theory” attached to it. A Reuter’s article on the decision read:

Bending to pressure from religious conservatives, the State Board of Education on a 4-3 vote included the “theory” language as part of a retooling of the state’s science standards for public school education. The panel includes the word “evolution” in state science standards for the first time, but it is relegated to a place among a host of ideas, including Albert Einstein’s theory of relativity. By contrast Isaac Newton’s law of gravity is taught as undisputed fact.

Some religious groups believe that evolution conflicts with the Biblical account of creation, though others contend there is no conflict. These contentions have driven debates in several states, including Kansas and Pennsylvania, as to how the subject should be taught in public schools.

The language in Florida was changed to refer to “The scientific theory of evolution.”

“Why are we even considering this?” said board member Roberto Martinez, who voted against the watered-down measure. “Sooner or later we’ll get there,” Martinez said. Backers of stronger evolutionary language called the vote a regrettable compromise that would nonetheless boost the instruction of evolution as a basic tenet of modern biology

So congratulations to Florida, I guess, on finally getting evolution in your classroom. The problem now, and with the article above, is that there is a difference between the observation that we see life evolve (a proven fact, see the entire field of biology) and the super scary Theory of Evolution which predicts, by natural selection, that all life came from one common ancestor. Unfortunately for the advancement of science, the religious fanatics have decided the latter Theory much too clever an idea for even an omnipotent God to have thought of. They then decide to use the layman’s use of the word theory – a speculation and not the scientific meaning – a testable model, capable of predicting future occurrence and being tested through experiment or otherwise falsified through observation.

Unless you are purposefully complicating the matter, it doesn’t have to be so hard. Look at the number of different types of dogs we have. Wolves were the first species of animal domesticated by humans over 15,000 years ago. We have documented their entire breeding history. Many dogs had many different uses and we bred them to range from Huskies to Chihuahuas. Case closed, no more confusion on that one. Of course, once you learn how it works and look at the evidence that stacks up in favor of the entire Theory of Evolution, the bible thumpers get worried that it disproves their entire religion. It must not be told to the children!

So these crazy southerner baptists or protestants or who ever they are have slaughtered on debates about this in the past (see Kansas) because they take advantage of how people confuse the definitions of words like theoretical, hypothesis, theory, theorem, laws, and fact. I have no problem with people wanting more evidence to prove that natural selection was the sole cause of humans developing from molecules in a puddle billions of years ago, that is why we have science, to answer questions and learn more about the world. But I just don’t understand why we let these people try to push their rhetoric to children in public schools. At this point even Catholics agree. George Coyne, the Vatican’s chief astronomer from 1978 – 2006, said “Intelligent design isn’t science even though it pretends to be. If you want to teach it in schools, intelligent design should be taught when religion or cultural history is taught, not science.”

I guess what it comes down to is politics as usual. These people have such a vested interest in making sure their religion stays relevant that they will try anything. I just don’t know why they have had such success in pushing their views in public schools. Could that happen in the Northwest? I doubt it, but why have these people taken such a stronghold in the South? I guess the simple answer is because no one there is stopping them. My point is, if I ever have kids and someone tries to get Intelligent Design taught in their science class I am going to the only reasonable thing I can think of… freak out and burn the school down.

Literary Thought of the Week (Part 1)

One of the great joys in my life is reading. Before you start thinking I’m some kind of lame ass loser, let me assure you all the other joys in my life are chicks, rock n’ roll music, and illegal narcotics. So yea I still fucking party.

That being said I can honestly say nothing has shaped my view of the world more than the books I have read. With that in mind I thought I would try out a new weekly website segment entitled “Literary Thought of the Week”. The idea is that I will post my favorite quote, passage, or thought from a book that I have been reading . You might be thinking “Wow, Corey this is the gayest most boring post idea, since that post written by the world’s smallest weight lifter” Well I liked what that little weight lifter had to say and if you didn’t then you are probably an anti-Semite. So anyways here goes my first installment.

The book is “Jitterbug Perfume” by Tom Robbins. (A little side note: Tom Robbins is in my opinion the finest author to ever grace this planet. He is to literature what Doug Stanhope is to comedy. I strongly recommend reading anything he’s written. )

The set up: Dr. Wiggs Dannyboy (an eccentric immortality scientist) comments that Priscilla (a bisexual genius waitress) is unhappy. And it goes a little something like this. Oh I almost forgot Wiggs Dannyboy speaks some strange Irish dialect.

Priscilla- “I’m Fine. You’re jumping to conclusions. Besides, unhappiness is natural. I’m not one of those bubbleheads that spend their time trying to avoid the normal misery of life.”

Wiggs Dannyboy- “Sure and life is a lot o’ misery, all right, and death is more misery, yet. Dread, fear, anxiety, guilt, even a bit o’ neurosis, are perfectly natural responses to a life that promises such an unacceptable end. The trick is not to take such responses too seriously, not to trivialize your all too short stay in your carton o’ flesh by cooperatin’ with misery.”

Priscilla- “Seems to me that the so-called happy people are the ones who are trivial. Avoiding reality and never thinking about anything important.”

Wiggs Dannyboy- “Reality is subjective, and there’s an unenlightened tendency in this culture to regard something as ‘important’ only if ‘tis sober and severe. Sure and still you’re right about your Cheerful Dumb, only they’re not so much happy as lobotomized. But your Gloomy Smart are just as ridiculous. When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start paying attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form o’ self-indulgence.”

Well there she is. I really think what Dr. Dannyboy says in the last paragraphs is really insightful. I notice that when I am in a bad mood nothing bothers me more than when someone suggests getting out of my bad mood. The thought that someone would have the audacity to even think they could understand the epic problem I am facing is just an insult. Really though when you take a deep look at it almost every problem any of us ever face today is incredibly trivial in nature. Besides death, name one problem you might have that really means something beyond just the surface?

This seems to be one of the major dilemmas people have today; there really are not that many things to worry about. So what do people do they create or inflate problems in an attempt to make themselves feel like their lives are interesting and exciting. As weird as it sounds when someone is sad they want to think that they are the saddest person in the world and that their problem is the worst anyone has ever dealt with. Everyone wants to think they are special and that the world really does revolve around them. To me there really does seem to be a huge amount of self-indulgence involved in our unhappiness.

That wasn’t too bad was it?

Guest post

I am honored to be hoboboobies.wordpress.com’s first guest columnist and I am sure I won’t be the last, but I wanted to start off by saying how much I love this site. Sure that Big Dog guy has had some hastily put up maniacal rants lately, but he’s kind of the bread and butter of the site so, what can you do?

Well, my name is Aditya ‘Romeo’ Dev. Maybe you have seen me around the interweb lately? I am getting a bit famous, traveling the world to do daytime talk shows as the world’s smallest weight lifter and badass dancer. Anyway, I was asked to post because I seem to be pretty inspirational and have a good message to send out to the readers. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Here a couple pics from a set my agent had me take at the gym.

At under 3ft, just about and normal sized person can pick me up with one hand, I usually take that opportunity to show off the guns. Who’s got a ticket right? You know what I’m talking about. Gunshow.

Here is me with my half-brother Craig. We have been at the gym every day for 2 months now and as you can tell, its paying off big time. Craig’s on more of an unnatural body building program and I am almost positive he sold his soul to the devil about a month ago because he was really fat before and not near as evil looking. I, on the other hand, am solely focused on getting cut up, and as you can see…

 

its working (pause to let the full effects from the picture sink in). I just wish I hadn’t forgot to bring an extra pair of socks to the gym on the day they brought the cameras. I couldn’t believe I had to work in the brown dress socks, AGAIN, I hate it when I do that. I also had to borrow some child’s red “athletic” shoes which gave me a shit load of blisters. I almost kicked his ass. Needless to say this is not my usual gym attire, but the camera guy said he was getting paid whether or not I had brought my gym bag, so I said fuck it. Lets shoot. (Craig and I have matching outfits that we usually wear. He’s got his on above. They are awesome and have sweat bands and everything. Just pretend I’m wearing it.)

 

I focus on some really technical lifts. This is the dumbbell press. Textbook form. Right foot a bit ahead, left foot stays pointed at a 60 degree angle. Head up, shoulders back, package jammed a bit to the left side of the clothe diaper, no big deal.

Thats about all I have for now, oh yeah, something inspirational… Um, remember, hard work and a positive attitude pay off. – Romeo

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=513820&in_page_id=1811

 

Special Interest Groups and the Demise of America (Part I)

Nothing frustrates me more about today’s political landscape than the influence of special interest groups in American politics. I intend to investigate some of America’s most powerful lobbyists in an attempt to understand their intentions, power, and consequences.

The AIPAC is the “American Israel Public Affairs Committee”, America’s Pro-Israel Lobby. They are the 3rd most powerful lobbying group on Capital Hill.

Does anybody not agree that the 2 biggest causes of our issues in the Middle East are: 1. our continued dependence on an open supply of oil from that region, and 2. our continued support of the state of Israel? Any long-term solution in the Middle East needs to start with a massive effort to decrease our dependence on radical governments in the Middle East to supply our oil, and to immediately withdraw all support to Israel.

So naturally, the interests of “America’s Pro-Israel Lobby” run contrary to that of the majority of Americans. So why does the American Congress almost unanimously support pro-Israel legislation on a consistent basis, despite it being contrary to the best interest of the American people? Well, it does not take a genius to figure out that when a 100,000 plus member organization liberally donates hundreds of millions of dollars annually to financing our politician’s campaigns; the Jewish lobby’s interests might be more influential than say, my own.  

To be fair to the AIPAC, I visited their webpage at http://www.aipac.org to understand their mission in their own words. If you check out their “About” page they give you a list of their missions. Here are a few of their gems:

• Extending U.S.-backed loan guarantees to Israel
• Condemning Iran
• Increasing military aid to Israel

Yeah AIPAC, I would love for our country to continue to fund your ridiculous religious war in the Middle East against Palestine. I also am very excited to go to war with Iran – the bigger and uglier brother of Iraq. Fight your own battles Israel (Edited) – leave America out of it.

So how successful is the AIPAC in their mission to align Israel and American policy in the Middle East? Currently, America spends about 3 billion dollars a year financing Israel’s military, creating the 3rd most powerful military force in the world. Despite being a relatively successful country, Israel is the #1 benefactor of U.S. foreign aid in the entire world. All three leading presidential candidates endorse their support of the AIPAC and Israel. (Not surprisingly, after doing a little research, Ron Paul is one of the few outspoken critics of the AIPAC in congress)

What makes this particular lobby even scarier, is that not only do they control American politics, they control the American Media. I challenge you to google a major media outlet that has published something negative about the AIPAC.
 
“Today, seven Jewish Americans run the vast majority of US television networks, the printed press, the Hollywood movie industry, the book publishing industry, and the recording industry. Most of these industries are bundled into huge media conglomerates run by the following seven individuals:

• Gerald Levin, CEO and Director of AOL Time Warner
• Michael Eisner, Chairman and CEO of the Walt Disney Company
• Edgar Bronfman, Sr., Chairman of Seagram Company Ltd
• Edgar Bronfman, Jr, President and CEO of Seagram Company Ltd and head of Universal Studios
• Sumner Redstone, Chairman and CEO of Viacom, Inc
• Dennis Dammerman, Vice Chairman of General Electric
• Peter Chernin, President and Co-COO of News Corporation Limited

Those seven Jewish men collectively control ABC, NBC, CBS, the Turner Broadcasting System, CNN, MTV, Universal Studios, MCA Records, Geffen Records, DGC Records, GRP Records, Rising Tide Records, Curb/Universal Records, and Interscope Records.”

From http://www.rense.com/general44/sevenjewishamericans.htm

So yeah, you can say they have some influence on American politics. If you have 50 minutes to burn, check out this link to learn more about the AIPAC’s influence in this pretty awesome documentary:  http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2894821400057137878 

1 Month Anniversary of Hoboboobies

That’s right it was a month ago today that this phenomenal website got off the ground. What started as a joking conversation between Kevin and myself on New Years Eve has already grown into an internet monster that got nearly 100 hits on 2 separate days this month (99 and 98). The idea was simple just create a forum where people could discuss things they found relevant, funny, or gay. I am really happy with the site so far. It is has become something that I look forward to checking each day.

The real key to the site is the comments and discussion it creates. The posts are just a jumping off point. A good example was the “meaning of life (part 1)” post I made a few weeks ago. On it’s own it was an alright post, nothing special. Yet, if you look at that post as an entire body of work (post and 17 comments) it is actually pretty awesome. What I am saying is that you all should keep commenting.

There are a few reasons you should all comment:
1) Most of you are actually pretty funny and intelligent and this is a relatively easy way to show that off
2) I know for a fact none of you have anything better to be doing
3) It makes Kevin really happy
4) If you make the funniest comment of the month I will repost it and buy you a drink out of the Hoboboobies.wordpress.com account.

This Month’s funniest comment comes from Eric with regard to Charity.

1. Here is a novel idea about charity. Instead of just donating money (or not) and bitching that the value of you donation is pissed away due to some bureaucracy, why don’t you physically do something to help people out?
You are probably like, “Hey Eric, what have you done besides smoke a lot of weed and lie on your couch and watch TV?”
Well how bout this little gem for you – I took a starving and filthy homeless man from my neighborhood out to eat the other day. After talking with him over a dinner at Dick’s, I decided that I would help him out further. I let him take a shower in my apartment, got him shaved and cleaned up. Then I took him to Value Village and got him some nice clothes, including a suit. Then I taught him to speak proper English and got him a job as a Commodities Trader where he was able to corner the Orange Juice market and oh shit, I realized that this is turning into the movie Trading Places which I watched the other day when I was stoned, laying on my couch.
Umm, nevermind. Disregard this post. That movie is good every time I watch it though.

You can collect your drink from Kevin who is the official Hoboboobies Treasurer.

I am really hung over right now and tired to verge of insanity, but before I end this 1 month tribute post I wanted to point out everyone that has chosen to contribute to the site by making a comment.

kevin 51 (51 fucking comments in one month. Something for us all to strive for)
corey 31
parker 30
Eric 10
Spencer 9
The Fondeler 3
Big Blazin 2
Joe G 2
Colwell 1
T-Wade 1
AndrewWinner 1
Lawson 1
Justin 1
A chick 1
Mystery Shrink 1
GoalSeattle.com 1
Patmanpato 1

If you’ve commented so far excellent work and thanks. If you haven’t it would be really cool to get more people throwing their misconceptions, half truths, prejudices and unprovoked hatred into the forum.

Don’t be afraid of the Reply to All

More and more i find myself using less tact. I think it may have something to do with how I think old men rule. They get mean and bitter and smell bad and I think its funny. Point in case: my liberal use of the reply to all button on emails. I have 2 examples from this week I will post.

Example #1 Swamp Donkey’s email (maybe you remember him as a 4 seed in the fight bracket) -

Subject: UW Press Release
http://espn-go.pinkpaper.info/ncaa/news/story/?id=3222265
Interesting news about the dogs! – Tyler Sellers (aka the Swamp Donkey)

The link is if a fake ESPN article about how UW has given up their athletic department and uses UCLA’s or something, very clever of them I know.

My reply to all:
I dont think the link is working, try this one -
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/huskies/349796_husk02.html
Signing day is tomorrow, good luck! (I hear you have some roster spots left to fill) – Parker

nothing wrong with that right? his family, our highschool principal, his friends and coworkers need to know the information I have, which is a link to a PI article about our recruiting class. In fact our highschool principal (a Dawg who I still talk to at UW games) liked it and is also a fan of the reply to all. he sent:
That reminds me, is MAD magazine still in print?
Tyler, has your trailer sold? I tried the Craigslist site, but the link had
expired.
- Mark M. Spurgeon

Well I dont understand most of what he said, but I imagine he is making fun of Tyler and his trailer which he is apparently selling on craigslist.

Example #2

Subject: 2015 US open: Chambers Bay
Report: 2015 US Open headed to new public course in Tacoma
Tacoma is rising up in the world. – Tho Vo

my reply to all-

When you are at the bottom, there is only one way to go.
- Parker

Needless to say, Tho is bitter about me replying to all his highschool friends about how Tacoma sucks. We go on for … well we are still going back and for right now trading blows about hometowns – ask Corey he has been kept on the chain for some reason. Unfortunately Tho took the rest of the people on the list off, but I am thinking about including them on at the end to show what a maniac he is.

Going forward I wouldnt include me on these if you are worried about what I will say back. I dont see myself as some loose sort of loose cannon or anything, but again, I see less and less tact being used.

My point? dont be afraid of the repy all button. Value what you have to say enough to assume that the other on the list want to read it too, and if not, well screw them because I hit the reply all. In this relationship, I make the decision in what goes in to your inbox, not the other way around. whats that? grandmotherj@comcast.net probably didnt enjoy hearing my rant? well maybe her grandson shouldnt send out mass spam emails to me, in fact he probably shouldnt have me as a friend.

My favorite Stand-Up Comedy (Part 1)

I was going to try and post something tonight but instead of actually writing something I thought I might see if I had anything on my computer that I already started. In the past have started about 50 posts that I haven’t finished and most likely will never finish (most for very good reason). As I was looking through these posts I found this list of my favorite stand-up comedy bits of all-time. Just as good as when I first compiled it 2 yrs ago.

This post consists of jokes from David Cross, Chris Rock, and Mitch Hedberg (3 of the top 6 stand-up comedians to ever grace this planet). I even threw in a video for good measure.

- Chris Rock
o The Trenchcoat Mafia! “No one would play with us! We had no friends, the trenchcoat mafia…” Hey I saw the yearbook picture, it was six of ‘em! I ain’t have six friends in high school. I don’t got six friends now! Shit that’s three-on-three with a half court.”
o “Everybody’s so busy wanting to be down with the gang ‘I’m conservative, I’m liberal, I’m conservative’. Bullshit! Be a fucking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, ok? I’ve got some shit I’m conservative about, I’ve got some shit I’m liberal about. Crime, I’m conservative. Prostitution, I’m liberal!”
o “A bunch of girls say ‘you don’t need no man to help you raise no child’… shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don’t mean it’s to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don’t make it a good fucking idea!”

- Mitch Hedberg
o I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, ’cause ducks ain’t s’posed to be downtown. There’s nothin’ for ‘em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, “Let me have a bun.” But she wouldn’t sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it’s against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain’t supposed to touch. So I said, “Alright, well, put some lettuce on it,” which she did. She said, “That’ll be $1.75.” I said, “It’s for a duck.” And they said, “All right, well, then it’s free.” See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. “Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub – but don’t bother ringing it up, it’s for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!”
o I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summertime, when we used to fire up the barbecue and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. “Better flip that Frito Dad, you know how I like mine: with grill marks.”
o Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a woman, but this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now it’s been cheapened… “We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let’s keep on givin’.” “Remember that song, baby? The night I fucked you in the pet cemetery?”

- David Cross
o Here’s a little of what it was like for me growing up in Atlanta… They had this ill-fated thing called ‘Light Up Atlanta’. So, I’m standing in line… I tap the guy in front of me and say, “Uh, excuse me, can you tell me if this is the line for the beer, or the line to get the tickets to get the beer.’ [long pause] ‘I dunno, faggot.’ I don’t know, faggot? What? What did I do? Was it because I was sucking his cock at the time?
o I don’t think Osama bin Laden sent those planes to attack us because he hated our freedom. I think he did it because of our support for Israel, our ties with the Saudi family and our military bases in Saudi Arabia. You know why I think that? Because that’s what he fucking said! Are we a nation of 6-year-olds? Answer: Yes.
o All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids ‘Oh, David, it’s so hard.’ That’s not hard. You wanna know what hard is? Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion.

(This video has it all, David Cross, Ron Paul and what a fucking pyscho Rudy Giuliani is)

MLS in Seattle

Apparently this was public knowledge a few months ago but it’s news to me. Next year my under-ambitious dreams will come true: Seattle will finally be home to an MLS team of their very own. While I realize that this is non-news to most of you, I can hardly contain my excitement. I love Seattle sports but I don’t really love the actual sports themselves. I enjoy football despite my view that it represents many of the flaws of America. I tolerate basketball. Baseball was fun to watch that one season when the Mariners won a bunch of games. It is an extremely rare occasion when I can sit down and watch an entire non-playoff/championship game of any major sport when I have no emotional investment in either team. Not so with soccer. I’ll watch anything, from a Champion’s League final down to a U-19 friendly between Botswana and Panama. I’ll scour the channels for highlights of a league I didn’t even know existed. So move the Sonics to Oklahoma and take the fucking Mariners with them too (I’m not quite ready to let go of my beloved Storm). I couldn’t care less. Professional sports in America have become just another topic for people to express their opinions about. Yes, there are innumerable die-hard fans and the experience of a full capacity Qwest Field is awe-inspiring, but I still get the funny feeling that many fans would rather see the team do poorly so they could bring up how they would have traded so and so or employed a different defensive strategy. If not that then they are rooting for the opposing quarterback who they are playing this week in a very important fantasy league match-up. No other sport provides the raw, unbridled passion and emotional intensity that soccer does. The sense of community and camaraderie between soccer fans is an unparalleled phenomenon. No other sport pushes the majority of the world to near insanity when played. Sure this isn’t always a positive thing (see English soccer hooligans) but it sure is exciting.*

Soccer is coming to Seattle! Sure the MLS is lackluster right now but I sense a huge non-Beckham related breakthrough is looming on the horizon. Soccer is growing steadily in popularity and although it will never surpass baseball, basketball or football (or probably even NASCAR) it will become much more important to American sports fans in the near future. As an already established Sounders fanatic (Trevor and Ryder can attest to the fact that I took a Bear Paw punch to the face due to over-aggressively rooting for my favorite USL team) I can’t wait for Seattle soccer to take the next step to the largest stage that America has to offer. Go Sounders (or whatever team name they decide to change it to)!!!

If you can’t get behind our new MLS team based on the merits of soccer alone then maybe you can appreciate the fact that Drew Carey will be part owner and is requiring that the team acquires its own marching band.

*Don’t give me any bullshit about soccer not being exciting enough. It is a 90-minute game of pure excitement and anticipation that can be busted open and completely changed in a matter of seconds. It is a game generally free of retarded, ticky-tack fouls and TV timeouts. Plus there’s no way you can call it boring while the sport of baseball still exists (although I probably think baseball is boring for the same reason most Americans find soccer boring; I never played it and don’t appreciate its nuances).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seattle_Major_League_Soccer_team

IOU charity

This is another theory of mine that I need Parker to try and destroy.

My current plan is to never donate any money to a charitable cause until the day I die. When I die, I will leave one large lump sum to whomever I think deserves it.  

What are the odds that the need for charity isn’t going to be just as great, if not greater, by the time I die? So why not invest that money into my home now, and let it appreciate, and then write them a check upon my death?

I mean, I earned the money, why shouldn’t I at least be able to enjoy it while I live? The frat house can have a full remodel upon my death.