I was going to try and post something tonight but instead of actually writing something I thought I might see if I had anything on my computer that I already started. In the past have started about 50 posts that I haven’t finished and most likely will never finish (most for very good reason). As I was looking through these posts I found this list of my favorite stand-up comedy bits of all-time. Just as good as when I first compiled it 2 yrs ago.
This post consists of jokes from David Cross, Chris Rock, and Mitch Hedberg (3 of the top 6 stand-up comedians to ever grace this planet). I even threw in a video for good measure.
– Chris Rock
o The Trenchcoat Mafia! “No one would play with us! We had no friends, the trenchcoat mafia…” Hey I saw the yearbook picture, it was six of ’em! I ain’t have six friends in high school. I don’t got six friends now! Shit that’s three-on-three with a half court.”
o “Everybody’s so busy wanting to be down with the gang ‘I’m conservative, I’m liberal, I’m conservative’. Bullshit! Be a fucking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, ok? I’ve got some shit I’m conservative about, I’ve got some shit I’m liberal about. Crime, I’m conservative. Prostitution, I’m liberal!”
o “A bunch of girls say ‘you don’t need no man to help you raise no child’… shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don’t mean it’s to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don’t make it a good fucking idea!”
– Mitch Hedberg
o I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, ’cause ducks ain’t s’posed to be downtown. There’s nothin’ for ’em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, “Let me have a bun.” But she wouldn’t sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it’s against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain’t supposed to touch. So I said, “Alright, well, put some lettuce on it,” which she did. She said, “That’ll be $1.75.” I said, “It’s for a duck.” And they said, “All right, well, then it’s free.” See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. “Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub – but don’t bother ringing it up, it’s for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!”
o I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summertime, when we used to fire up the barbecue and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. “Better flip that Frito Dad, you know how I like mine: with grill marks.”
o Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a woman, but this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now it’s been cheapened… “We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let’s keep on givin’.” “Remember that song, baby? The night I fucked you in the pet cemetery?”
– David Cross
o Here’s a little of what it was like for me growing up in Atlanta… They had this ill-fated thing called ‘Light Up Atlanta’. So, I’m standing in line… I tap the guy in front of me and say, “Uh, excuse me, can you tell me if this is the line for the beer, or the line to get the tickets to get the beer.’ [long pause] ‘I dunno, faggot.’ I don’t know, faggot? What? What did I do? Was it because I was sucking his cock at the time?
o I don’t think Osama bin Laden sent those planes to attack us because he hated our freedom. I think he did it because of our support for Israel, our ties with the Saudi family and our military bases in Saudi Arabia. You know why I think that? Because that’s what he fucking said! Are we a nation of 6-year-olds? Answer: Yes.
o All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids ‘Oh, David, it’s so hard.’ That’s not hard. You wanna know what hard is? Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion.
(This video has it all, David Cross, Ron Paul and what a fucking pyscho Rudy Giuliani is)