I went for a hike after work today. I decided I was going to use the time alone to try and think of something to write about. I have always really enjoyed writing, but lately I have found it pretty difficult. Today would be the day I actually put a little effort in. After about an hour the realization struck me that I honestly had nothing to say. Nothing. Not a political injustices to thwart or a commentary on some form of social retardation, not even a horribly embellished account of something I sorta did. That got me thinking, “Where did all the ideas go?” I had always been so full of pride will all the theories and philosophies I conjured up or more often than not blatantly plagiarized. I used these ideas to define myself. Without ones ideals and prejudices what is left?
My first thought was that perhaps I was just getting mentally dull with age and social repetition. I mean I am already 25 and a half, maybe I was falling into an early case of the mental atrophy that seems to consume all seniors. There is obviously a day in everyone’s life when they stop having/accepting new thoughts and go with the fall back plan of telling of old irrelevant stories and blind stubbornness. Was it possible my time had just come a few decades to early?
Though still possible after a little more mental investigation this didn’t seem to be the case. Now more than ever I felt a hunger for knowledge. A few years after leaving my formal education behind me I was able to step past being the GPA junky that high school and college had warped me into. I no longer was going through the administrative motions solely to acquire some artificial incentive; I felt I had acquired a genuine interest in learning.
After a little deeper thought it finally dawned on me what is happening. It seems I am losing my ability to hold an opinion. Sure I have opinions on everything, like we all do. There is not an aspect of this world I don’t have some belief on. Work sucks, he’s stupid, I’m right, Seahawks rule, that’s fun, she’s beautiful, that should be legal, that should probably be made illegal. I still have all those racing through my head every second, what has happened though is that I have started realizing how fucking retardedly arbitrary my opinions really are. Nothing I “think” has any real relevance to the reality of the world. It is only my subjective manipulation of the actual facts of the world being manifested as my opinion. I have always grasped opinions in the past because they gave me some form of intellectual leverage over the world that made “me” something. I was always trying to be right and prove my grasp of life. As have spent more time paying attention to myself and being aware of life, not thinking about it but just simple observing it for what it is, it has become more and more apparent to me that all this thought really is is a crude often insecure self shielding way of manipulating the reality of life.
I don’t really know how to end this; I am certainly not trying to come off as though I have figured anything out. Quite the opposite the more time I spent considering life the less it seems to make sense to me. All I am trying to say is that my OPINION is that we are all completely full of shit and we should step back and look at the foundation of our beliefs and see if there really is a foundation at all.